what i wanted to add (but i wasn't allowed to edit) to that previous post is this:
so i guess it's my attitude that 99% of the time achieving a truce by being the first to surrender.... is more important than winning the battle. to do that, i "seek first to understand, then to be understood" (f.covey). then admit my own fault which allows the other person to save face.
the hardest part is avoiding blame by silencing the "i admit i did x BUT YOU DID ABCDE... Z!" and just letting that person rise to the occasion and also admit fault, too. that has sometimes taken days... and sometimes it's not even verbally expressed but instead acted out. for instance, i was soooo resentful b/c dh wasn't helping w/ kids and we ended up fighting big time and it all came out of both me and him, too. a day later, i apologized for my mistakes (i didn't give him the attention he deserved) but he chose to accept my apology and just remain quiet! that night he DID help me more and i knew that he understood what i was upset about and wanted to make amends, even tho it wasn't expressed in words. old dogs can learn new tricks!
so if in your heart and soul you really, really want togetherness (aka., love) and for your relationship to survive all the fights, then your thoughts, words, actions and beliefs have to show that, through the good, the bad and the ugly!
|