[elaine130]

I thought I knew the answer to this one, but when I really thought about it, I went with the opposite: I'd rather be heartbroken! I seem to recall that throughout my life (all my 20's, teens, even in grade school!) whenever guys have broken MY heart, it eventually made me stronger somehow and there were less questions of "what if?" etc. The downside is that you question yourself and you feel insecure somehow, thinking that you're not good enough, inferior, etc. But we survive and move on. As for being the heartbreaker - it was plain AWFUL having to end a relationship with a guy who's so much more into you than you ever were. And I usually didn't break up until someone new was on the horizon and cheating was not an option for me. So occasionally when the ex would see me with the new bf... I just wanted to die.

But there was one time I did cheat on a bf (we dated our first 3 yrs. of college), and he was indeed the first true love I'd ever experienced! It was heaven our first two years together on campus but by the end of our 2nd year together, I had no choice but to transferr to another university back in my home state, and we tried to have a long distance relationship. Well, that didn't work for me, despite letters, occasional visits and expensive long distance calls. I was too immature, I'd just turned 21, I was working part-time in a mall filled with attractive guys everywhere and mostly... I was lonely. So I began seeing someone else and I eventually admitted I was cheating on him. Boy was that rough on him. But we made up and we tried to live together in an apartment while I was finishing my senior year. But I continued to see the other guy on the sly. He found out again... yet he still wanted to work things out. I made the decision to break it off completely with him so he could be free. I felt so bad, I thought he deserved someone better. And at that time, I was an emotional wreck anyway so I probably didn't want to be with anyone who was good to me and good for me. So I pushed him away. And he got over me and moved on. (as i write this i'm hearing janet jackson's "where are you now" in my head... the lyrics go: 'where, where are you now? now that i'm ready to, ready to love you the way you loved me then')

But then as I dated throughout my 20's and just wasn't finding "the one," I began to question if I ruined what might have been my one and only chance at true love... simply because I was so damned immature. Fortunately, I was given a second chance at true love and that's with my now husband! I still have his pictures and all the love letters he wrote tucked away in a box somewhere in our basement. And I occasionally have vivid dreams about him and he's looking as hot as ever, he's with a gorgeous gf or wife and won't give me the time of day. When I wake up, I am so glad it was just a dream and that I'm married to my dh - who entered my life at the right time and right place.

But I can't help but wonder "what if" with that ex-bf from way back when...