Do you stay friends with Exes?

[kitsch_k]

hi! my long term boyfriend and i broke up about two months ago and he was the one who said he didnt want any communication anymore. so i went back to my single life. just when i was recovering and back on my feet again as a single happy girl he has started calling again..like once a week. although it's good that we are still really good friends i don't think im ready for that yet. it's too confusing at this time. is it ok if i cut ties with him now?

[angelthelson]

if that's what you feel then do it =) if you feel like being single for a while and you're happy just tell him that you need more time. i'm not really good at this coz i never get to be friends with my exes ;-)

[elaine130]

Dearest friend Kitsch... I know you choose your words wisely so here are some considerations that you should factor into whatever you choose:

1. my long term boyfriend and i broke up about two months ago after five years where did each of you see the relationship heading as far as timing was concerned? move forward to the next step? stand still? end it and move on because there was no future?

2. he was the one who said he didnt want any communication anymore why? did either of you need to forget? was there pain involved that needed healing time? was there a third party?

3. so i went back to my single life. just when i was recovering and back on my feet again as a single happy girl are you happier without him? are you enjoying your solitude? would you be happier with someone more compatible? do you want to keep your options open? when you look back, was there more good than bad in that relationship?

4. he has started calling again..like once a week. is he just lonely? does he still want to keep you to himself? does he genuinely miss you? has he changed his perspective? are you both on the same page now?

5. although it's good that we are still really good friends i don't think im ready for that yet. is it still painful? do either of you want more than the other is willing to give? trust yourself - if you don't think you're ready then you are NOT ready.

7. it's too confusing at this time. what does he really want? is it in line with what you want? if not, then it may still be the wrong time and/or wrong place and/or wrong guy for you.

8. is it ok if i cut ties with him now? if that's what will make you happy, kitsch - do it!

Overall, I just want to recommend maintaining your dignity, filling yourself up with positive thoughts about yourself and surrounding yourself with like-minded people who share common interests, make you laugh and are easy to get along with. Just in the past two months alone, I've come to know you as a wonderful person! You deserve to be with someone who is not only your soul mate, best friend, partner who eagerly fulfills your needs and a potential father figure for possible future kids. So does this guy really mean something to you? (I always think of the line in Tori Amos' song "Leather" - it goes 'But why do I need you to love me when you can't hold what I hold dear?') If not, then I think you know the answer yourself.

Kitsch, be selfish for a change and do what is right and good for you. It's trite to say "love yourself" and "know yourself" but they're the hardest things to do when you're in your 20's. And of course, own up to your decision - for every action there is a reaction. A wonderful quote that I refer to when I have to make any decision or sacrifice is: "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else" (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

[kitsch_k]

awww thanks for the advice guys..especially you elaine its really obvious you put a lot of thought in my situation. its difficult there are a lot of considerations...hmm..right now im just confused.period. i do answer his calls though but im still not crossing that line you know where you start expecting again? there are still a lot of things to be figured out so im just guarding and protecting myself and my feelings

[elaine130]

Originally Posted by kitsch_k

awww thanks for the advice guys..especially you elaine its really obvious you put a lot of thought in my situation. its difficult there are a lot of considerations...hmm..right now im just confused.period. i do answer his calls though but im still not crossing that line you know where you start expecting again? there are still a lot of things to be figured out so im just guarding and protecting myself and my feelings

I can't imagine what you're going through, Kitsch. It must be so very difficult... but know that your friends and loved ones are rooting for you! You're in my prayers, hon. Hang in there.

I guess I had a lot to say because I dated many guys who were also very confusing - I'm sure I was equally confusing to them as well. I saw each failed relationship as a waste of precious time but now in hindsight, I see that they were learning opportunities because had I never would have been available to find the true love of my life (at 31), then fallen in love and married him had I not learned about myself, and what I needed in a partner! I know my dh enjoyed his single days as well and dated extensively so he, too, was well aware of what he was looking for by the time he hit his mid-40's... and I am soooo blessed it was me!

Anyways, I must share something I learned from one of my self-help book (can't recall which - I've read so many!). The dating process is like a game of darts. From start to finish, every relationship is like throwing a dart: At first you're new at it and your dart lands outside the bullseye. But then as you have more relationships, you learn more about yourself and what you want or don't want (and also what you can tolerate and what is absolutely unacceptable) in a partner. The more you date, the better you get (ie., the more you learn about yourself and the partner that's right for you) and then your darts land closer and closer to the bullseye.

The key to this theory is that not every guy out there is for you, nor are you for every guy! You really have to honestly assess the relationship and if necessary, cut ties and move on so you (and he) can be free to throw another dart that will either land on the bullseye or get even closer. Maybe some people never throw more than one dart and are fortunate to hit the bullseye right away and marry their childhood sweetheart. Or maybe you throw a couple of darts, give up and stay with a guy who is not even close to the target, but give up the game and settle for second best. How many people live a life of regret wondering... what if? Just look at our divorce rate!

The tricky thing is that the guy also has to go thru the process of dating and getting closer and closer to the bullseye and hopefully, with serendipitous timing, the two miraculously meet and live happily ever after *sigh!*

Well, that's more of my two cents. I hope it helps you and anyone else as frustrated with the dating scene as I was!
Just remember... there's hope...

[kitsch_k]

thanks for the insight elaine..that was really helpful i loved the explanation of the darts..very very true

[elaine130]

Originally Posted by kitsch_k

thanks for the insight elaine..that was really helpful i loved the explanation of the darts..very very true

You're very welcome, Kitsch!

[etali]

I think elaine already covered everything very well, but really I would just go with what you want. You don't have to stay friendly with someone just because you feel you have to. If you do want to stay friends, but aren't ready at the moment, explain that to him. If you don't tell someone what you're feeling how can they know?

Just be honest, say what you want and how you feel - if he really values your friendship he'll respect that, and you'll hopefully have a good friend for the years to come. If not, then at least you can cut ties and get on with life knowing that it wasn't a friendship worth stressing over.

[kitsch_k]

thanks again guys. i figured it out now..i dont want to be friends

[elaine130]

Excellent point, Etali.

We will back you 100% on your decision, Kitsch! I think it's the right choice especially since you described in you own words that after you recovered from the breakup, you led a happy single life which suddenly became "confusing" when he came back into the picture. You are doing what's right for you... hopefully HE will understand that and if he cared for you, HE will also do the mature thing too.

Funny, I'm suddenly reminded of that Jerry McGuire scene when the Renee Zellweger character tells Jerry that she's ending the marriage and setting him free because it's the only thing she has control of. She realized that the basis of her marriage was part fantasy (on her part), part convenience (on his part) and mostly because Jerry did not want to be alone.

Wasn't Cuba Gooding's character terrific??? Hmmm... I think I might have to rent this one again!

[britjojo]

Elaine summed it up very well in her first post to this thread. Kitsch, when it comes to matters of the heart you have to look out for number one. If you don't then depression and all sorts of nasties are in store.

I stayed friends with some exes. Some we started out as friends and the relationship didn't work because it was too icky and like being with a brother, but others things just gently drifted apart and we went back to being friends.

There were three however, all of whom were either violent or abusive and I made no attempts to make contact.

[elaine130]

Oh Britjojo - so sorry for what you've been through! (hugs!) those abusers deserve this! --->

I hope that's the last of your trials & tribulations w/ a$$hole men and this is the start of good things to come for you! With or withOUT a man because afterall, a woman with a man can really be like a fish with a bicycle! *tee-hee*

< --- hehe, i always wanted to use that smiley!

[britjojo]

Lol, thank you Elaine, you post made me laugh! I love the little dude kicking the other....

Yep it makes me wonder what it is about me that I ended up with three of them. I am happy single right now and in no rush to meet anyone else.

[elaine130]

... actually I just remembered the quote goes:

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!

[kitsch_k]

Originally Posted by elaine130

... actually I just remembered the quote goes:

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!

that quote put a smile on my face!!! hehe

[britjojo]

It is so wonderfully true too! The other that my mother used to use was that a man to a woman is as much use as a chocolate ashtray on a motorcycle.

[kitsch_k]

hahaha..well britjojo i believe in a mother's wisdom what ur mother said certainly makes sense.

[DianneMK]

Oh heck no.I cannot stand any of my exes.My ex husband was an abuser.The second man I fell in love with was mean to me and my girls.Bye Bye loser.So absolutely not in this lifetime would I befriend any of my exes.I am happily married and have long moved on.

[kitsch_k]

Originally Posted by DianneMK

Oh heck no.I cannot stand any of my exes.My ex husband was an abuser.The second man I fell in love with was mean to me and my girls.Bye Bye loser.So absolutely not in this lifetime would I befriend any of my exes.I am happily married and have long moved on.

well im certainly glad for you girl!!! any tips for moving on?? how did you cope?

[britjojo]

It is somewhat easier to move on when the relationship ends badly like this. I found that my breakups with guys I still liked were always harder-but the guy who beat me, and my ex husband I had no trouble moving on from. Just realise and tell yourself that you don't need people like that in your life.

[DianneMK]

Originally Posted by britjojo

It is somewhat easier to move on when the relationship ends badly like this. I found that my breakups with guys I still liked were always harder-but the guy who beat me, and my ex husband I had no trouble moving on from. Just realise and tell yourself that you don't need people like that in your life.

Just like britjojo said.

[DianneMK]

How I coped over an ex who was abusive was to NEVER ever take crap from a man any more.I woke up one morning and looked at myself in my mirror and told myself that I am someone special.From that day on,I have never let any man including my husband of 4 1/2 walk all over me or talk down to me.I am not a man's punching bag thank you.My name isn't Everlast....it's Dianne.

[elaine130]

I can't even imagine what you - britjojo and dianne - have gone through! I am glad to hear that you've moved on. I once heard that it takes at least half the entire length of a relationship to completely "get over" the person and to be emotionally ready/available to move on to a new relationship. For me, I do think I have "rebounded" with a new guy too soon after a breakup, as much as I have also been the reboundee.

[elaine130]

Originally Posted by DianneMK

How I coped over an ex who was abusive was to NEVER ever take crap from a man any more.I woke up one morning and looked at myself in my mirror and told myself that I am someone special.From that day on,I have never let any man including my husband of 4 1/2 walk all over me or talk down to me.I am not a man's punching bag thank you.My name isn't Everlast....it's Dianne.

I almost want to cry, hearing these stories from you and Britjojo!!! *hugs!*

[kitsch_k]

yeah..it really is heartwarming to see you guys move on from such a terrible chapter in your lives...my petty heartbreaks pale in comparison to what you guys have been through...

[Fizz]

I agree with everyone, Elaine has done it again, I couldn't possibly have anything to add to her wisdom.

britjojo and Diane, I totally get where your coming from. When I left my abusive ex, I really hadn't realized the deep impact the abuse had left me with. I remember the first time I ever heard someone get angry after that. I cringed and felt frightend, but there was no danger of abuse in the situation, it was hard getting over being beaten, but easy to get over that loser.

Before I left I did self affirmations in the mirror and let me tell you it does work! No woman deserves that kind of treatment, but sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that it's not our fault and that we do deserve better.

Kitsch, I have found you to be one of the kindest people that I have had the good fortune to speak with. I hope that you will do what is right for you and what will make you the happiest. Darlin, you deserve all the happiness in the world.

[britjojo]

Half the length seems a reasonable estimate to me. I know that right now I am in no way ready to be involved with a guy again. As far as I am concerned, I am woman, I need no man. It might stay like that for a long while, but I am open to change. No point in rushing in and getting into another mess.

[kitsch_k]

Originally Posted by Fizz

Kitsch, I have found you to be one of the kindest people that I have had the good fortune to speak with. I hope that you will do what is right for you and what will make you the happiest. Darlin, you deserve all the happiness in the world.

thanks fizz..you dont know how much your comment means to me!! the past couple of months have been really hard and its fun to just talk with you guys here and read all your insights and advice... im so lucky

[elaine130]

Originally Posted by kitsch_k

thanks fizz..you dont know how much your comment means to me!! the past couple of months have been really hard and its fun to just talk with you guys here and read all your insights and advice... im so lucky

Oh Fizz... it's wonderful to hear that you also mustered up the strength and will to leave an abusive ex! I agree w/ you about using self-affirmations... what I did several years ago to get over my last (commitmentphobic) ex (right before I met my dh!) was listen to a LOT of music over and over again by strong women! Everything from Alannis Morisette to Sheryl Crow (esp. Globe Sessions) to Tori Amos to Fiona Apple, etc! These days, I love to hear Beyonce's "You Must Not Know About Me" - that song makes me dance AND cracks me up! Anther great dance CD is Jodi Watley's - which includes "I'm looking for a new love."

Kitsch - after having gotten to know you over the past 3 mts. I couldn't agree more with Fizz: you are one of the sweetest gals I've met! So glad we all have each other to open up to - group hug!

[britjojo]

I just posted a thread about an ex from my further back life. Having said all I have said about not wanting men in my life, I am pining again So ignore everything I have written here. I don't even know my own mind.

[kitsch_k]

oh my dear elaine group hug!!! but i just wanted to clarify my ex wasnt abusive..it just didnt work out since we had different goals and passions..he was a good guy but he did a lot of bad things but ive long forgiven him..we are good friends now. lets just say, when it was good, it was really good...when it was bad it was really bad. so there are no hard feelings. i love you guys talking to this forum is such a release.

[Fizz]

I'm always up for a good group hug, so count me in. Thank You Elaine and Kitsch, you both have been so very thoughtful and wonderful to me.

Britjojo, don't worry about it. You've been through a lot and it will take you time to recover and feel more like yourself. Sometimes when we've been through something hard we do tend to yoyo, but the good news is that doesn't last.

[kitsch_k]

yeah life is one hell of a rollercoaster..the ups and downs are all part of it

[shainee]

Men are like that, just as soon as your recovering from that relationship, they try to get you all confused and get back on you. I dont however stay friends with my exe's, we're like totally enemies after.

[medako]

I only have one ex that I keep any sort of contact with. And that's only after we'd been split for a while. We don't talk often, but we occasionally email just to check in and see how each other are doing. I don't wish bad on him, it just didn't work for us. We're now both happily married to other people and feel like we can be adults and remain civil to each other.

It helps though that we didn't have a big huge messy break up.

[dreamr802]

I'm friends with a few of my exboyfriends...but it took us a while to be friends again. If you aren't ready for that tell him that you aren't and if he understands he will back off until you are ready to be friends.

[kitsch_k]

yeah you should be only friends with an ex if you are totally ready...otherwise..it will only get MORe complicated...