Go To Bed on An Argument?

[etali]

Am I the only person who thinks that going to bed on an argument is a really bad idea? I always like to work things out and clear the air before going to bed. Thankfully, my husband and I don't argue very much, but with some of my exes this trait was seen as 'an inability to just drop the issue' or 'a need to always have the last word'.

I really don't think it's like that - I just don't like going to sleep upset and would rather know it's all sorted.

What do you think?

[bagcrazy]

Anytime you can resolve the issue and then get a good nights sleep is best, in my opinion. However, sometimes you need to "sleep on it" and view the issue with a fresh perspective when you're not in the "heat of the moment" and can think a little less emotional and a little more logical.

[etali]

You make a good point bagcrazy. I'm not a very 'sleep on it' person though - if I go to be annoyed I wake up feeling even more hostile. I've also experienced a lot of times where people say ''lets just drop it we'll tallk about it tomorrow' - then they forget about it, I bring it up next time I see them, and they say 'You're not still mad about THAT are you?'.

The thing is, usually I am still mad, and I'd like to come to some agreement with them so I either know that X will always be the way things are done, or whatever - otherwise I'm expecting something different, and we'll just end up arguing again next time around.

Is that really that complicated to grasp, or are people saying 'just drop it' hoping it will be forgotten and won't need discussed again?

[britjojo]

My grandparents and then my mother always said that-never let the sun set on an arguement. The point that they always made was that you never knew what would happen-if you would even both wake up from your sleep that night, and how crappy you would feel if you partner died whilst you were mid fight.

[kitsch_k]

Originally Posted by britjojo

My grandparents and then my mother always said that-never let the sun set on an arguement. The point that they always made was that you never knew what would happen-if you would even both wake up from your sleep that night, and how crappy you would feel if you partner died whilst you were mid fight.

that is one of my biggest fears..to get into an argment with someone and something bad happens and you never get to settle things.

[britjojo]

And unfortunately it does happen, all too often. I have known of people fall out with their parents and leave home on bad terms, and a month, or a year later, the parent drops dead. The guilty feelings can last a lifetime.

[kitsch_k]

yeah...i probably wouldnt be able to handle the guilt...

[elaine130]

I agree with bagcrazy - sometimes you have to just stop and tackle the subject when BOTH members are clear minded. Even when I believe my dh is in the wrong, it's good to take the time to also think about what I did wrong and could have done better.

After being with my dh going on 8 years... I have come to realize that he just does NOT like to apologize and both of his now-divorced parents NEVER apologized to one another. They were very competitive and my dh learned that to apologize is to admit defeat.

But before this realization, during our first few years of marriage, I argued with him until I cried because I felt he didn't understand my point or why I was angry and thus I was incensed that he didn't even CARE that he upset me. But he would not give in one inch. Then I'd give him that silent treatment for the next day and he still would not give in. When I'd finally break and fume about how he could possibly not care... then he too would say that he already forgot!

These days, I agree with Bagcrazy because "sleeping on it" ALSO allows ME to rethink the argument and see what I did wrong (like trying to impose MY standards on him) and how I could make it better (I need to remember that he does things differently, as do I).

Ultimately, I end up being the first one to apologize, which KILLS me (!) BUT I see myself as being the "bigger person" (HA!) and I need to remember that my dh didn't have the best role models with regard to conflict management. I also need to add that dh is a lawyer + athletic = MAJOR competitiveness! What I love about my dh is also something I can occasionally hate... but that's the way love goes!

[kitsch_k]

it takes a lot of maturity and courage to be the bigger person. and you are really admirable elaine since you understand completely that relationships work because of sacrifices and stepping up to be that bigger person.

[elaine130]

aw thanks, kitsch! i have spent (wasted?) so much time waiting and waiting for that apology from dh... but to no avail. now i'd much rather just get the whole issue over and done with so we can move on with our lives instead of becoming more resentful and even growing apart.

when it comes to dealing with conflicts, you have to choose whether you want to make connections with people or if you want to push people away even if you know you are "right." i know a lot of people who are critical and feel that they are just being honest or they have a right to express their feelings how and when they want. we all know people like that, right? like when dealing with a waitress who forgot something, a bank teller, a co-worker, even children, spouses and of course... my mother in law! standing your ground all the time or being brutally honest just creates more bitterness and hostility and resentment...even if you're right and they're wrong.

so i guess it's my attitude that 99% of the time i don't care who's wrong or who's right... it's about calming down, understanding the other person before being understood, then finding a solution for both parties that will also allow for the other person (who may know they're wrong but won't admit) to save face. maybe this can be accomplished before going to bed, if not, there's always tomorrow.

because once you admit you're not perfect, that opens a door for the other person. and only good will come of it. at least that's what i believe in my heart.

[elaine130]

what i wanted to add (but i wasn't allowed to edit) to that previous post is this:

so i guess it's my attitude that 99% of the time achieving a truce by being the first to surrender.... is more important than winning the battle. to do that, i "seek first to understand, then to be understood" (f.covey). then admit my own fault which allows the other person to save face.

the hardest part is avoiding blame by silencing the "i admit i did x BUT YOU DID ABCDE... Z!" and just letting that person rise to the occasion and also admit fault, too. that has sometimes taken days... and sometimes it's not even verbally expressed but instead acted out. for instance, i was soooo resentful b/c dh wasn't helping w/ kids and we ended up fighting big time and it all came out of both me and him, too. a day later, i apologized for my mistakes (i didn't give him the attention he deserved) but he chose to accept my apology and just remain quiet! that night he DID help me more and i knew that he understood what i was upset about and wanted to make amends, even tho it wasn't expressed in words. old dogs can learn new tricks!

so if in your heart and soul you really, really want togetherness (aka., love) and for your relationship to survive all the fights, then your thoughts, words, actions and beliefs have to show that, through the good, the bad and the ugly!

[kitsch_k]

wow those are wise words elaine!! ill surely keep those in mind. as i grow older ive been trying my best to be the bigger man in arguments...my foolish pride/ego has mellowed down in the past five years

[Fizz]

Again I have to say there are some very wise and wonderful women here! In a perfect world you could always resolve problems on the spot, but somethings just take time. My husband and I do our best, but somethings are just simply never going to be resolved and you just have to accept that you don't always agree and no amount of arguement will change those things. Sure there are those days that I want to just strangle him, but then who would put up with me?

[britjojo]

Elaine, you talk a lot of sense. There are situations where the woman's place is not to apologise however, such as the guy staying out all night no phone call and so on. Yes we fought over it, but I couldn't apologise because I didn't do it-I didn't make him stay out, I didn't make him cheat, or whatever else he was doing when he was out.

So sometimes the apology has to come to you, and my husband never would. Instead he would ignore me entirely for up to seven days at a time.

Sigh. I gotta stop writing about him, it's the only time I ever think about him now is writing here!

[elaine130]

Britjojo - I'm so sorry that your ex keeps coming up! But hopefully you'll be able to flush him out of your system sooner rather than later as you continue to vent about him until there's nothing left in you but total indifference!

The key ingredient to "fighting fair"? Maturity! So I don't think your ex qualifies, Britjojo, so he deserves no apologies! But now you've thrown a dart way off target and hopefully your next dart thrown (only when you're fully healed and ready to try again) will land closer to your bullseye - your true center.

I just need to add here that I'm certainly not perfect when it comes to relationships, and that I learned the hard way... almost ending up separating from my husband a few years ago after an extremely rocky beginning (years 2 - 5) of our eight years together. But we climbed our way out of that mess - with much therapeutic help - and we're stronger now and even more in love than ever before. I also need to add that raising demanding little ones, dealing with my own post-partum blues after both pregnancies, and just not having time together really was tough on us.

I also must give a lot of credit to all the authors and poets I've read, the wise elders and my therapist to whom I listened...for teaching me a lot and shaping my view of love - including loving yourself. Much of what I write here is regurgitated from what I learned from others, even from a number of customers I waited on when I worked in various restaurants, retail stores, etc.

Last but not least, I do want to share one of the most wonderful books of all time that I keep on my bedstand along with other favorites (like my beloved Shakespeare). It's called "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. I was introduced to it when I took a Philosophy of Education course in college. Boy did Gibran teach me a lot - about raising children and marriage mostly. If you can, take a look at an excerpt on Amazon or borrow it from your local library. Another life-changing book for me is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor who became a reknowned psychiatrist.

Has anyone else read any life-changing books lately?

[dreamr802]

I don't like going to sleep during an argument with my boyfriend. I hate not resolving anything before going to sleep because then I can't sleep.

[KJ]

My boyfriend likes to start arguements all the time before we go to bed. He usually starts them by doing something dumb or nasty like picking his nose and flicking boogers, putting a drooly pillow in my face, or picking his belly button and pulling nasty stuff out. He knows all that stuff aggrivates me because I make sure to tell him it's all nasty. He doesn't care or listen. Then, he goes on and on about other stuff to start with me. I tell him to sleep on the floor and he refuses. He doesn't work anything out, he argues!

[aehbamfan]

My husband and I rarely go to bed while we're angry with each other. I can't sleep if we don't have everything settled! Occasionally things have waited until the next day just because we were booth so frustrated we decided to agree to disagree for the night.

[raven1083]

i dont go to bed with an argument with my wife so that we could wake up in the morning fresh and free from doubts.

[weezlose]

i have to echo what a few girls have said.

going to sleep helps you clear your head. in the morning (a lot of the time), you realize the argument was over nothing and not a big deal, while when you're tired/worn out, it seems like the biggest issue to ever happen.

[vincenta]

I get real tired of arguments at times. And I want to patch up things right away.

It's really an ease if you don't have probelms and arguments in the morning. It feels good and things won't get too bad..

[Jerome]

With my girlfriend we argue sometimes and I don't like when things aren't cleared before going to bed so we work it out, then we can sleep peacefully without having to stare at each other like dogs and cats in the morning.

[shopaholic]

but sometimes you have fights at night and it might get too late before you can solve the issue. i think it's okay...cause also sometimes people need time...hence, "sleep on it"

[rae.queen]

most of the time I opt to resolve it before we sleep. but sometimes (like once) I needed to sleep on it. he wasn't having any of it too.

[tastycakes]

I've went to bed angry a couple of times.. and I know that's bad but I always wake up forgetting the problem or let go of the problem.