How Many Times Can You Forgive?

britjojo · #1 (**permalink**) 05-05-2007, 01:13 PM

When a man treats you badly, how many times will you forgive? How many times do you believe his; "It will never happen again" and his "I'll try and call next time"?

What does it take for you to finally realise that you are married to or dating a loser?

etali · #2 (**permalink**) 05-05-2007, 05:21 PM

If it's stuff like not calling, forgetting a date or something like that, and I think it is scatterbrained-ness and not a symptom of cheating, then I'd forgive a LOT of times if everything else in the relationship was OK.

If it was more serious stuff (getting arrested, cheating, etc) then I wouldn't be so forgiving.

britjojo · #3 (**permalink**) 05-05-2007, 06:27 PM

The not calling-what about if the guy went to work at 7am on Friday and didn't come home till 6.45am Saturday, when he should have been home at 7 the night before?

etali · #4 (**permalink**) 05-06-2007, 08:14 PM

I'd assumed the relationship wasn't at the living together stage in the question.

If we were living together, and he dissapeared for ages then I would be very worried, and very annoyed if he showed up without a good reason!

elaine130 · #5 (**permalink**) 05-07-2007, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by britjojo

When a man treats you badly, how many times will you forgive? How many times do you believe his; "It will never happen again" and his "I'll try and call next time"?

What does it take for you to finally realise that you are married to or dating a loser?

I'd read this--->
Amazon.com: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart: Books: Steven Carter

Way back when... this book saved my life!

britjojo · #6 (**permalink**) 05-07-2007, 04:30 PM

Then just to qualify, I was not only living with the guy, we had been married for a year when we started pulling this crap. Making any difference to you now?

kitsch_k · #7 (**permalink**) 05-08-2007, 12:21 PM

if you think he does not have the SLIGHTEST remorse or effort to change his ways then i guess its time to re assess the whole situation...im forgiving but only if the other person is really sorry and is making amends..but if the person is not doing anything about it..its time for some action!!

elaine130 · #8 (**permalink**) 05-08-2007, 01:11 PM

Yes, at some point you have to realize that a person's baggage is way too much for you to handle! Especially since we have our OWN baggage to handle! MOVE ON! Granted, not everyone had a picture perfect childhood, upbringing, young adulthood, etc. Something must have gone awry. But if that person dealt with the difficulty and came out wiser, stronger, more mature and more appreciative of what's good in the world... then there is hope.

But if the individual ended up developing destructive or abusive coping habits to deal with past pain, or developing commitmentphobia, or just simply halted development and decided to stay footloose and fancy free as he/she was in his/her early 20's... then I know it's tough because so many of us want to be saviours... but YOU MUST MOVE ON. Do NOT get caught in the cycle. For the sake of yourself. And any future children you may or may not have. You cannot fix anyone, no matter how much love comes pouring out of your heart. He can only fix himself, that is if he wants to be fixed AND if he does the hard work to become fixed in a healthy manner and STAY fixed.

All you single ladies - you deserve a good guy, really you do. Even one with scars... as long as they made him a BETTER person.

elaine130 · #9 (**permalink**) 05-08-2007, 01:29 PM

BTW - if you haven't seen "As Good As It Gets"... you MUST! Excellent movie!!! Here's a wonderful exchange between Jack Nicholson (Melvin) and Helen Hunt (Carol). As some of you know, Melvin is a wealthy writer with OCD. He is crude, obnoxious and downright nasty but he has a good heart deep down and wins over a working class mom, Carol, who has a very sick child. Melvin sees Carol every day at a restaurant where she works as a waitress. In the following scene, Melvin and Carol go out to a nice dinner at an exclusive restaurant. Carol dresses to the nines and instead of complimenting her beauty, he makes another crude comment and tells her she's wearing a "house dress." Naturally she is deeply offended with his insult and wants to leave the restaurant and Melvin behind...

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.

Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

kitsch_k · #10 (**permalink**) 05-09-2007, 08:03 AM

that was a beautiful film..i loved the dog parts!!!

but it is really about wanting to be a better person for someone...even if you're all commitment phobic or something you stillwant to try if the person is worth it.

elaine130 · #11 (**permalink**) 05-09-2007, 01:50 PM

that dog was awesome!!! the whole ensemble cast was amazing!

britjojo · #12 (**permalink**) 05-15-2007, 05:47 PM

Elaine, it is a good point that you make that sometimes scars can make a person a stronger, or better, or more loving individual. History does not always mean that a relationship will fail-it might just be that the person learns from their mistakes.

kitsch_k · #13 (**permalink**) 05-19-2007, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by britjojo

Elaine, it is a good point that you make that sometimes scars can make a person a stronger, or better, or more loving individual. History does not always mean that a relationship will fail-it might just be that the person learns from their mistakes.

i agree..as long as the person LEARNS from his mistake i would risk being with the person again. however, if he keeps making the SAME mistake i would bolt.

britjojo · #14 (**permalink**) 05-19-2007, 06:55 PM

The saying is that a leopard never changes his spots, and I think that for many, many people that is true. It is so hard to leave old habits behind, many people are unable or unwilling to do it at all. Recognising that the person is that way is the hard part, but the most necessary thing ultimately.

elaine130 · #15 (**permalink**) 05-19-2007, 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by britjojo

The saying is that a leopard never changes his spots, and I think that for many, many people that is true. It is so hard to leave old habits behind, many people are unable or unwilling to do it at all. Recognising that the person is that way is the hard part, but the most necessary thing ultimately.

... good point but you should also add that some people are UNAWARE of their bad habits and destructive coping styles that one may have even developed back in childhood! That's when therapy comes into play, and I happen to like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) because it focuses on the thoughts (attitudes, preconceived notions, beliefs, fears, etc.) that lead to the behavior or bad habits. CBT can break vicious cycles of behavior, from alcoholism to depression to even poor interpersonal communication with one's s.o.!

kitsch_k · #16 (**permalink**) 05-22-2007, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by britjojo

The saying is that a leopard never changes his spots, and I think that for many, many people that is true. It is so hard to leave old habits behind, many people are unable or unwilling to do it at all. Recognising that the person is that way is the hard part, but the most necessary thing ultimately.

I COMPLETELY AGREE!!!!!!!!! it's hard to teach old dogs new tricks. even if you have the best intentions in mind you will fail if the person is who he really is...

Fizz · #17 (**permalink**) 05-23-2007, 03:41 PM

I'm not sure that I have anything to add here, but I do believe people can change, but you can't change them. They have to want to change and most of the time they don't want to or just are to lazy to do it. We all have to do what is right for us and we can't base that on what the man in our life is doing or not doing. For the record, never believe the first time you hear "It will never happen again" because it will always happen again. I know from experience. I met my current husband when I was 17, we spent some time apart and married other people. My ex husband was abusive and I heard that so many times it made me sick. I flat out told him, not to bother with "I'm sorry's" because it was a waste of time when I knew he would do it again.

britjojo · #18 (**permalink**) 05-23-2007, 08:36 PM

Elaine, you are right. We had looked at CBT and were referred to someone because even his doctor saw what my husband was like. But he would not acknowledge it-like with so many problems, admitting you have a problem is the first step. He considered himself flawless, and so therapy never happened.

elaine130 · #19 (**permalink**) 05-24-2007, 01:21 AM

... and a superiority complex is a major cover-up for the exact opposite: inferiority and insecurity!

kitsch_k · #20 (**permalink**) 05-24-2007, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elaine130

... and a superiority complex is a major cover-up for the exact opposite: inferiority and insecurity!

oh dear i couldnt agree more!!!

britjojo · #21 (**permalink**) 05-26-2007, 03:29 AM

Without a doubt he has both of those issues Elaine. But you know-I just don't care anymore. From tonight on, I banish him from my mind.

*poof*

Just like that. I'm done caring.

shainee · #22 (**permalink**) 07-09-2007, 05:43 AM

I can always forgive but it doesn't mean that if I forgive you that things will be back the way they are. Of course changes will take place and it also doesn't mean having to stay together again.

medako · #23 (**permalink**) 07-09-2007, 09:48 AM

I can forgive to a certain point, but I'm sure not going to forget. You forget to call once, fine. You "forget" again, and I guarantee you won't forget again. At some point it goes beyond simple forgetfulness to disrespect. Respect me and my time or you'll be finding someone new to treat poorly.

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