Housework Balance?

[etali]

What is the housework balance like in your family?

I've seen some where the women stay at home and do all the housework, some where they work and still do all the housework, and some where there is a 50 / 50 balance.

In my relationship, there are some chores that are exclusively mine, some that are exclusively my husbands, and some that we split depending on who can be bothered at the time.

I'm happy with it that way - even if some 'traditionalists' think I'm a bad housewife because I don't always do the cooking.

How does it work in your household?

[elaine130]

Well, since I'm a sahm, my main weekly chores include grocery shopping, bill-paying, laundry, unloading dishwasher, breakfast and lunch and snacks for kids, chauffering kids to school and doctor appts. and activities, floor and carpet sweeping/vacuuming/mopping and dusting of all rooms, cleaning all bathrooms, making beds and changing clean linens in all bedrooms, plus other duties. My dh's main weekly chores are: taking care of the pets (dog, cats, fish), yard work, garbage/recycling, washing dishes if I cook, if he cooks then I do dishes. As for the kids dressing, baths, brushing and bedtimes, we're a co-parenting team. This works well for us : )

[etali]

It sounds like you guys have a nice balance. It's nice to hear from others who share the load. I still see a lot of people who think that stay at home = do nothing.

That many pets, and children on top, must be crazy hard work

[elaine130]

Thanks, Etali. Well, there are definitely some lazy stay-at-home-moms out there as there are lazy work-in-office moms! Here's something I wrote in another forum's thread - the topic was something like Stay At Home Moms would get paid $128 K per year...

After the birth of my first child, I continued to work full-time from 8:00 AM - 4:30 PM, in an office doing mentally stimulating work, wearing chic business suits, dressy shoes and carrying wonderful handbags. I was surrounded by nice co-workers whom I'd befriended and enjoyed having adult conversations with at lunchtime. I received good feedback from my civilized boss for a job well done and I also received monetary compensation for my work plus I felt great accomplishing one project after another. At the end of the day, I left my work at the office. I enjoyed the ability to listen to my own thoughts during my commutes to and from work, or even listen to music that I liked.

Meanwhile, my baby was in daycare from 7:00 AM until 5:30 PM. The caregivers at daycare were responsible for feeding my baby two meals, two snacks, change at least six diapers, teach lessons, sing songs, read books, play with toys, clean up messes, keep my child safe from hazards, teach my child to play nicely and share, as well as other miscellaneous duties assigned (including hugs). For 10 and 1/2 or more hours, someone else cared for my baby's physical, cognitive and emotional needs.

I'd reunite with my baby at 5:30 and for the next five hours, I'd play with baby, prep dinner, feed my family, then my dh and I would share in bathing, playing with baby, reading books, putting baby to bed, then cleaning up the kitchen, doing the dishes, completing laundry and other chores until our 10:30 bedtime. On weekends, my dh and I would clean every room of the house, complete lawncare and gardening tasks, do more laundry, shop for groceries... all at the expense of having only little if any quality family time together.

When I worked in an office full-time, we had more money, and as a professional woman I was more balanced and fulfilled with the intellectual work I did, and enjoyed having the opportunity to accomplish new projects, climb ladders, enjoy camaraderie with co-workers, and be rewarded by upper management for jobs well done. But yet I felt deep down in my heart that my family life was suffering because there just wasn't enough quality time spent together. And I missed a lot of my first child's milestones. The maternal side of me was feeling cheated by the professional side.

So when my first child turned 2, I was unexpectedly laid off from my job. After much discussion over what would be best for our family, my dh and I decided it would be best for me to stay home as a full-time mom: I would care for our rambunctious toddler's physical, emotional and academic needs from 6:30 AM to 5:30 (11 hrs) and also from 5:30 to 8:30, with the help of dh when he arrived home from work at 7 PM. Instead of wasting weekends on chores and errands, I was now responsible for taking care of all of the household chores - dusting, vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing bathrooms, laundry, picking up toys, lawn and garden care, grocery shopping, meal planning and preparation, pet care, as well as caring for a child who's very physically and emotionally demanding (because toddlers and preschoolers play with their primary caregiver, not by themselves or with their peers). I sacrificed my own personal and professional goals to focus solely on my role as a mother, and to increase the amount of quality family time on weekends. And when my first child turned three, I had another baby who was as equally rambunctious as my first child. Throw in breast-feeding my second child for one full year and dealing with the pain and complications involved with nursing... it's tough but a true labor of love.

I write all this to drive several points home to those who expressed dissenting opinions with regard to stay-at-home-moms. In sum: the grass ain't always greener on the other side! Weeds abound for moms who work in offices, as well as for moms who work by raising children and attending to the grunt work at home.

That's right. Sahms enjoy raising their own children and engaging in play time BUT most of the day is spent - for lack of a better descriptor - SLAVING OVER GRUNT WORK: thankless, stressful and menial tasks such as feeding, diapering, nursing, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning floors, scrubbing toilets, grocery shopping, averting disasters, breaking up sibling rivalries, constantly trying to maintain safety, entertaining little ones (who are angels one minute then demanding and tantrum-throwing tyrants the next minute)... and YES, for most definitely 13 or more hours a day!

This work is not intellectually stimulating, sahms are not rewarded monetarily, and in fact the quality of living decreases for a sahm in the sense that they dress in sweats and t-shirts and barely have time to brush teeth in the morning, nevermind shower, but also because sahms are often isolated from adults despite the fallacy that sahms are socializing and having fun playdates all the time. Maybe occasionally, but for the most part, sahms are doing endless and MINDLESS work, rather than using their brains to complete finite projects like when she worked in an office.

Having said all this, I am both blessed and happy to be home with my children as a sahm, despite sacrificing my sense of self for the sake of the well-being of my entire family. It's all worth it. And it's the best job in the world - caring for the loves of your life: dh and the babies you brought into this world! But once my youngest is in full-day 1st grade, I'm headed back to professional office work!!!

[britjojo]

That was wonderful to read, and it really is true. I live in a shared house with my toddler, and so the housework is kind of funny. I take care of everything that has to do with us, and I tend to do most of the shared stuff too. I cook, I vac and dust, do laundry and so on. The house owner, who lets us live here rent free-just paying utilities, works two jobs to provide the mortage, so tends just to wash up after I cook. She does a few other things from time to time, but I take care of the DIY and that stuff too, so I carry the bulk of it, plus working from home.

[elaine130]

Thanks for your kind words, Britjojo! I just wanted to share something with others who don't understand the challenge SAHM's face when they have little ones. And I don't think working moms have it any easier, either. I have tried to be the super-mom/career-woman/sexy-wife all wrapped in one and it just wasn't for me. So two outta three ain't bad!

That said, I am not one who thinks I deserve to get paid for what I do as a SAHM - the article about how sahms should get paid $138 K or whatever, was just meant to be taken lightly, not literally. You couldn't pay me $238 K to give up what I am doing now with my little ones and my hubby! But offering me $2.3 million... hmmm... that's a lot of designer bags... so I'd have to sleep on that before deciding! *JUST KIDDING!*

[angelthelson]

moms are the best!!

[elaine130]

Awww, shucks! Thanks for the compliment Angel!

[angelthelson]

sure!! that's the truth!!! moms are God's greatest form of love for us

[Fizz]

Balance, what's that? Early on it used to be I took care of the house and he did the yard work and took out the trash. Then our son got old enough to cut the grass and take out the trash and boom my husband NO longer did either. I have given several household chores to the kids myself, but it still doesn't equal out. Sometimes that is really annoying! He works all day and then gets off work, but my job is never ending.

[britjojo]

And that really is the hardest part of being a mum-our job is 24/7/365. I used to try and make my husband see that-that to pick up all his crap and do stuff that he was big enough and ugly enough to do for himself, was just an unfair burden when I was caring for a newborn who was nursing and crying and pooping round the clock.

[Fizz]

Oh for sure, not to mention the fact that HIM not picking up after himself sets a really bad example for the kids. I say this from total experience on the matter. The kids seem to think, "Well, Daddy doesn't pick up after himself so whey should we." My daughter actually had the nerve to tell me one day, that she should be required to do anything around the house because she has school. I told her that if she actually cleaned up after herself then that would be half the battle and she wouldn't have as many chores because MOST of them would already be done.

[EMMY]

Originally Posted by Fizz

Oh for sure, not to mention the fact that HIM not picking up after himself sets a really bad example for the kids. I say this from total experience on the matter. The kids seem to think, "Well, Daddy doesn't pick up after himself so whey should we." My daughter actually had the nerve to tell me one day, that she should be required to do anything around the house because she has school. I told her that if she actually cleaned up after herself then that would be half the battle and she wouldn't have as many chores because MOST of them would already be done.

^Good job Fizz!!! Hold your ground!!!! All kids b*tch about chores....You don't want them growing up like slobs!! I applaud you in that it sounds like you still rule the household...o many of my friends allow their children to dictate their lives....not good....

[Fizz]

I learned that through my parents. I admit, I was a total brat, my parents never made me lift a finger. So when I grew up and got out on my own, I didn't know how to do a thing. I am totally serious, I didn't even know how to do laundry or cook. It was either learn to cook or starve. I just feel like my parents didn't do me any favors, my kids won't have that problem. I've taught them to do everything there is to do around the house, whether they like it or not!

[kitsch_k]

i guess my parents tried to give the family everthing we needed but not everything we wanted so i guess early on we learned the value of hard work..there were times they would spoil us kids but still we knew that we needed to work to get what we wanted

[britjojo]

I never really had chores growing up, but there would be a ton of random things I would be told I had to do. My sister was never asked to do anything and she too left home not even able to boil an egg.

Fizz you are correct, it really is an awful example to set your children, and one that they will take into the world.

[kitsch_k]

yeah being self-sufficient and independent means that you know how to do those chores all by yourself. i left home for college without any idea how to cook. needless to say i spent so much money on crap food. good thing i know how to wash my clothes though

[carebear]

I don't kill myself to do house work all day. I have a part time job, three kids and a hubby. I do what I can and save the rest for tomorrow. And my kids have their share of chores.