What Does Sexy Mean To You?

[etali]

Another list I am on is having a debate about the meaning of the word 'sexy' - apparently there is a trend among younger people to use 'feel sexy' and 'feel good about myself' interchangeably.

It's not a trend I've encountered - is it just an American thing, or am I very out of touch?

If it is a trend, what do you think of it? Some people have been saying it is a bad thing because it is re-inforcing a culture where women are judged on looks alone. I'm not sure I agree with that, I think it's a lot more innocent and just a term people use without thinking that deeply.

[britjojo]

I haven't heard of it myself, but then I too am significantly out of touch of late. I DO find it a worrying trend, because the terms we apply to ourself so often end up influencing the things that we do, if only the things we do to maintain the status quo. I'll be watching the thread with interest.

[kitsch_k]

hmm..interesting thoughts..

i do notice that more and more women have been more and more obssessed with beauty (which is deeply connected with being sexy) and are more inclined towards botox, lipo, etc..i mean five years before it was too drastic..now its 'routine'.

[Fizz]

As a mother of a teenager and a pre-teen the thought that young people think 'feel sexy' and 'feel good about myself' interchangeably. Where did our self esteem go ladies? We really have to reach the kids somehow.

[britjojo]

That is one thing that I cannot comment on. My self esteem has never been linked to my looks. I have never given a flying crap about what anyone thinks about how I look-if they don't like it, or like me because of my looks then they are not worth my time.

This philosophy has seen me right so far.

[elaine130]

I remember hearing - and actually understanding - that word "sexy" for the first time when I had just returned to the States after living in the Philippines with my grandparents for about 3 years. It was 1976 and I was only 7. Rod Stewart's "Do you think I'm sexy?" was a big hit, as were lots of other disco songs (such as "She's a Brick House") that influenced my budding vision of what it meant to be an American and to be beautiful. I remember watching "Charlie's Angels" on TV religiously and my older brother's poster of those gorgeous blondshells Farah Fawcett and Cheryl Tiegs on his wall. I was both awed and embarrassed by these images and the songs being sung in the late 70's because I was raised in a very modest and conservative Catholic manner, as are many Filipinos here and abroad. I was even taught to look away when two people are kissing - IRL and even on TV! Fortunately, I did not relate to these white blonde girls since I was a brown filipina girl as skinny as a stringbean and quite the tomboy who also wore her brothers' hand-me-down clothes and played with boy's toys. So my dad and step-mom really reinforced educational achievement with my brothers and I, as well as excelling in extracurricular activities (tap, jazz, ballet, softball, basketball, field hockey, band color guard, honor society, etc.). I didn't really focus on beauty and being sexy... just on what I liked to do, and what I did well, and that made me feel good. As did a cute look from one of the many cute guys I had mad crushed on!

And now fast forward 30 years and sex is EVERYWHERE! TV, movies, magazines, celebrities. For me, the one who really crossed the line was Madonna when she portrayed a writhing virgin during the MTV music awards. These girls want to be a sexy Britney or Jessica or Paris. Back then, wholesome Marcia Brady and Marie Osmond were the ones I looked up to. And all the girls' clothing these days, from lowcut jeans to miracle bras to platform shoes...aim to make a little girl look shapely. Is it any wonder that feeling sexy makes a girl feel good?

[Fizz]

Very good point Elaine about how the clothes are made. It makes a parents job very hard, because let me tell you, I don't care how "in style" something is, if it is not appropriate in my opinion for my daughters age, she is NOT going to own it. I'll not deny that I have always enjoyed turning heads, but the fact of the matter is my self esteem isn't tied to what anyone thinks, it's tied to my behavior and how I see myself. I've tried to teach my daughter that and I somehow hope and pray that it gets through.

[kitsch_k]

Originally Posted by britjojo

That is one thing that I cannot comment on. My self esteem has never been linked to my looks. I have never given a flying crap about what anyone thinks about how I look-if they don't like it, or like me because of my looks then they are not worth my time.

This philosophy has seen me right so far.

oh i agree with your philosophy britjojo..id rather be complimented for my brains than for my bra size.

[kitsch_k]

Originally Posted by Fizz

Very good point Elaine about how the clothes are made. It makes a parents job very hard, because let me tell you, I don't care how "in style" something is, if it is not appropriate in my opinion for my daughters age, she is NOT going to own it. I'll not deny that I have always enjoyed turning heads, but the fact of the matter is my self esteem isn't tied to what anyone thinks, it's tied to my behavior and how I see myself. I've tried to teach my daughter that and I somehow hope and pray that it gets through.

parents have a very crucial role in their children's development and i feel that it's right for you to to clarify what appropriate is,and what is not..when i was young my mom was very clear on that and that's how i learned to be appropriate on my own. if ur foundation is strong and good, then you will be ok

[Fizz]

Thank you kitsch from the bottom of my heart. I've questioned myself so much about whether or not I am doing the right things for my daughter. Frankly, I don't want to scar her emotionally. It's hard to find the right balance between teaching her right from wrong and NOT making her feel bad about herself.

[elaine130]

and you know what i find really super sexy? seeing my dh doing dishes!!! there was a poll in a women's mag about which one's sexier: seeing your hubby doing dishes or dancing like a male stripper and wouldn't you know it, the majority voted for the dishwasher!

while in therapy myself, i learned that women primarily feel loved when their s.o.'s DO something to help them. men primarily feel loved when their s.o.'s love them in a physical manner. interesting, no?

[elaine130]

Originally Posted by Fizz

Very good point Elaine about how the clothes are made. It makes a parents job very hard, because let me tell you, I don't care how "in style" something is, if it is not appropriate in my opinion for my daughters age, she is NOT going to own it. I'll not deny that I have always enjoyed turning heads, but the fact of the matter is my self esteem isn't tied to what anyone thinks, it's tied to my behavior and how I see myself. I've tried to teach my daughter that and I somehow hope and pray that it gets through.

Fizz you are doing the right thing as a PARENT even tho I know some parents who just want to be a pal to their teens and let them get away with dressing the way they want. It's so hard when the kids want to look like their peers... but hopefully they will also find friends who are not into looks and are focused on other areas of life!

[Fizz]

Elaine thanks for the encouragement, believe me it's needed. I want to be a friend to my daughter, but I also want to guide her in the right direction. There has to be a place in the middle between "friend" and "enemy". My Mom took the "enemy" approach and frankly our relationship even after 20 yrs hasn't been completely repaired. I just want to be the best parent that I can be.

[britjojo]

I also come from an 'enemy' parenting situation and am trying so desperately to not have that be the case with my own dear daughter. I realise that the balance is hard to find, because you really do not wish to head too far into permissiveness.

[elaine130]

Yes, me, too! Enemy Dad was very overprotective! So much I wasn't allowed to do - especially wear makeup and non-clear nail polish until I was 17. Thru high school, Dad even had to "approve" of the clothes he purchased for me (even after a day's shopping for my new wardrobe with my conservative step mom!) and he wouldn't let me cut, color or perm my hair the way I wanted... it was always a straight cut on super long hair. Nothing at all sexy. I couldn't even tweeze my hairy eyebrows or wax my upper lip hair! Now granted, he was like a radical authoritarian nazi dad... but now that I have my daughter... I see wisdom in some of his ways. 90% of it, though, was based on his insecurity - that he didn't raise me to be a smart girl! Well, his strict upbringing backfired when I went out of state to a huge party university and went crazy! I did live my life to the fullest in my 20's and I'm glad I had my "fill" of single life when I found my future hubby and was ready to settle down!

[angelthelson]

for me sexy means the confidence that a person exudes, brains, and personality

[kitsch_k]

being an 'enemy' parent is the worst of all..the children will never fully trust you. i would love to be the parent my children could trust, respect and love at the same time. i know that's hard but its not impossible.

[britjojo]

Elaine, I think that cases like yours really shows the wisdom of picking your battles. I was never allowed to wear make up to school, but could at home if I wanted to (like there was any point, and I guess that was the reason!) and I was allowed to have my ears pierced. I had my hair style chosen until I was about 14 when I was allowed to start letting it grow instead.

But I was allowed to drink alcohol in the house. We were allowed to do things as a part of a family that we couldn't do alone. They taught alcohol moderation and how to recognise my limits, and as a result I never went mad. I never got sick on alcohol, and haven't the same issues as my sister, who never drank when growing up, because she didn't like the taste.

[Fizz]

I've always figured that it's their hair and their clothes so they should be allowed to choose, but you do have to draw the line. britjojo, my parents were like that, we could drink and cuss, but only at home. I don't know if there is any wisdom in that, because my parents were alcoholics and didn't set the best example, but out of 6 kids, 3 of us don't drink and 3 of us do.

[britjojo]

Allowing drinking in an alcoholic home is a different story to being allowed to partake of alcohol at family affairs, and other special occasions. Drinking was not a way of life to us, it was something special to be enjoyed together-not to be binged on, not to be afraid of, and not to be abused.

[carebear]

For me personality is more sexier than anything. If the guys is a sexy man but a jerk, it sort of cancels out sexy as far as looks.